Looks like another semi-sleepless night for me. I have 8 hours of work tomorrow. This isn’t going to be fun. After lying in bed for the past 4 hours, trying to fall asleep, I’ve given up (temporarily) and aroused from my bed to try to vent and output some of my thoughts so as to process them and, thereby, gain a peace of mind sufficient to catch a couple of hours of shut-eye. No guarantee it’ll work, but it usually does.

Much of the things I’ve been learning and processing lately I simply cannot put into writing. Rather, it wouldn’t be proper to publicize it. This, naturally, creates a problem for me, as writing and publishing my thoughts bring me about as much peace of mind at night as a professional back massage does for my achy muscles. Instead they’ve been building up, churning in my brain, knawing at the tender parts of my spirit. I might be able to convey some of the concepts, but the finer details must be left unsaid.

Grace is in short supply.

My dad is pretty smart. I was talking to him tonight about a specific person who I casually referred to as “arrogant” and mentioning that he “can’t tell his head from his dick sometimes” (not very nice), after which I soon added that I, too, was like this, and that is why our relationship is an abrasive (and now “avoided”) one. My dad simply responded, “yeah, he doesn’t really give a lot of grace”. Ha. Wow. Simple. And so true. Perhaps this is exactly what I don’t like about that person. Perhaps it is also something I despise in myself. Grace is in short supply.

In weeks past I have come to realize, ever more than before, that healthy relationships are completely dependent on grace. Without grace, you can’t have love. Without grace, you have no “tomorrow” to step forward into. A relationship will literally disintegrate in your hands if you or the other person is unable or unwilling to give bountiful amounts of unquestioning, free, beautiful grace. As I’ve witnessed many relationships in my own life fade or end abruptly, I’ve been keenly interested in the cause. No doubt, much of the blame came back to me. Mistakes are numerous in Ripley’s life. God knows it’s a defining characteristic in me. But my need for grace and forgiveness have caused many ugly things to surface, and have brought to light an issue that is grossly disturbing to me. Mistakes don’t kill a relationship - the willful withholding of grace, whatever be the reason, does.

I was asked recently why I am so disinterested in getting into another romantic relationship. There are many reasons, for sure, but there is one that stands out among the rest at this time in my life, and I was able to identify it just this week: I don’t want to start another “rap sheet“. I don’t want my mistakes to be internally and eternally recorded by someone that thinks that “grace” somehow includes recording a personal history and saving it as ammunition for a later and more opportune date. Some of the most significant women in my life, save just one, still remember (in great detail) the awful things I have done against them (whether intentionally or, much to my dismay, mistakenly or unintentionally), while, simultaneously, most of the significant men in my life either don’t care to remember or intentionally choose not to put any negative value on it. It’s in the past. It’s gone. Let’s move on with our lives.

Now, I don’t want to make anyone mad. I certainly don’t want to come across like I’m “bashing” women. And, by all means, correct me if I’m wrong… I’ve spoken to several wise people, both men and women, older and younger, and they seem to agree with my conclusion: When men and women say, “I forgive you”, they often mean something entirely different. What I have come to learn from experience is that, for women, the words “I forgive you” mean “I can tolerate you now. I’m not going to be mad about this anymore, but I’m going to apply your mistake to your character and my view of you forever, and the next time you screw up I’ll try to be less shocked and surprised”. When men say it, it’s more like, “I’m going to willfully forget this ever happened. You’ve got a clean slate, and I accept your apology as long as I can throw it into the depths of the ocean along with my memory of the event”.

Of course, I can’t generalize. Not ALL women are like that, and certainly not all MEN are like that. I’ve merely noticed a trend. 99% of women I know have come across (to ME) in the way I described, whether directly or indirectly. Basically all men have come across the other way to me. I asked a very trustworthy (woman) friend of mine if she could think of ANY women that weren’t the way I described, and she was unable to name anyone for several minutes. As she sat there and racked her brain I could almost see smoke coming out of her ears. She wasn’t even willing to name herself as one. Then I asked her if she knew any men as I had described, and she rattled off names like it was no one’s business.

But it takes two to tango, does it not? There is surely a point at which men intentionally decide not to give grace anymore, and I fear this is when it is a last dodge effort to keep their head above water, when the inflicted wounds have started to fester and rot and maggots are practically gushing from the site of the wound. That’s what it felt like for me, anyway.

There have been two semi-recent cases where I have chosen to jump ship and abandon the relationships altogether. It simply seemed like a better option than remaining onboard and being burned alive. Being in a relationship where true grace is not present on both sides of the table is like being on a burning oil tanker. One way or another, you’re going to wind up in the cold, frigid water. Having remained onboard for some good amount of time in a few recent *fiery* relationships, and come out with the disfiguring scars I have now (not to mention my deep-set cynicism), I’ve decided it’s better to jump ship the moment you feel your partner (speaking to unmarried couples, of course) is unable to give you, much less reasonably understand the concept of, grace.

After the awful circumstances of the last significant “ship sinkings” of relationships in my life, I find that I am less and less able to give grace. I’m less willing to spend time with people. I’m less willing to talk with people. I’m less active in pursuing relationships and actively engaging in people’s life. I don’t feel that I’m doing this out of pure selfishness (though I can hear a few “goody Christians” quickly labeling that). I, personally, think it’s a little more complex than that. I feel that my ability to give grace has been tainted or jaded. A healing within my own heart must take place by the Master Surgeon. I cannot simply decide to mend myself, but I must put myself under the penetrating scalpel of my Physician. Basically, my inability to offer grace is causing me to withdraw and protect myself, also making me more aware of my own wounds, therefore somehow adding to the selfishness of my already selfish, sinful heart. What I want, desperately, is a genuinely overflowing source of grace within my heart.

I am thankful for one specific woman in my life. She has taught me more about grace than anyone I know. Why? Because I deserve it least of all from her, yet she would never admit it. I know, standing in her presence, that there is absolutely “no record of wrongs” with her. You know who you are, and I am forever thankful for giving me such a wonderful example and hope.

Grace is in short supply, people. Don’t be a statistic. Don’t be the person that denies someone grace because you feel personally wronged. YOU were bought with a great price, not because you were deserving, but because grace prevailed! If you are holding or remembering a mistake or wrong that someone did to you, you are being both prideful and lacking in grace. Grace is giving something that someone doesn’t deserve. You might be willing to forgive, but how many of you are truly willing to willfully forget and start tomorrow with a completely and utterly clean slate?

If you feel that you are sufficiently spreading grace to everyone you know, check again. Chances are pretty good you’re not God, and the limits of your grace *can* be seen by the naked eye (vs. God’s grace which extends far beyond the horizon). Grace is NOT something that comes naturally for you, and I would suspect that if you feel you have “no problem extending grace to people”, you’re not really giving real grace at all. At least not the kind that I’m talking about!

I think it not wrong to pray and ask for the ability to extend grace. I think it’s something you learn, but I also think it is a gift you are given. I believe it is an ability you acquire from God, as well as something that comes naturally from drawing closer to God in an honest and vulnerable state (as a sinful creature, not some holy, self-righteous Christian). Why don’t we pray for this more? What marvelous things might this do for our relationships if we learn to give a little more grace? What miracles will happen when we let everyone start with a clean slate? It’s not that simple? I think it is. But I don’t think it’s easy, and I don’t think it was ever an “easy” thing for Christ to offer grace to us.

White as snow, white as snow,
Though are sins were as scarlet,
Lord I know, Lord I know,
That I’m clean and forgiven,
By the power of Your blood,
By the wonder of your love,
By faith in you I know that I can be,
White as snow.