“I would have done things differently if I knew we would have so short a time together.”

Words of regret. Sincere pain spoken in a single sentence. An expression communicating the anxious understanding of loss. These words were spoken to me recently. I have no doubt they were as hard to say as they were to receive. Life just doesn’t seem fair sometimes. Whether we willfully follow our convictions or simply get thrashed around with the ever pounding waves of life, the paths for each of us somehow seem to cross and intertwine, and sometimes, sadly, even go on in separate directions forever. There is no way to know what will happen, really.

As a young boy, I really came to believe that I could live a life without regret. In fact, it was encouraged among Christian circles to live a life “without regret”… to somehow live a life without a retrospective guilt for things I had done, thought, seen, become… Somehow this “regret free” life was packaged as “Christian” and “Christ-like”, though I can’t say exactly how that ever went over. It just kind of happened.

The older I get… The more people I meet… The more experiences I have… all of these things lead me to believe that regret is simply something that happens in life among all human beings. I can’t help but wonder what things would be like if I didn’t do “such and such”? Was this path I am on merely my destiny, or did I choose it? Or both? If it be merely the latter of the two, then regret abounds all the more. Sin has gotten me where I am today, and sin will bring me to where I sit (or lie) tomorrow. By the same token, God’s grace is what got me to where I am today, and God’s grace will bring me to where I end my day tomorrow.

I guess these thoughts have all somewhat come to a climax lately as I have begun to ponder and meditate on the changes that are currently taking place in me. I notice myself trusting fewer and fewer people. What was once public information has now become privileged information. Friends that I always felt so comfortable around have almost become the “potential enemy”, and withholding from them vital personal information has become my strategy for self-preservation. There are a select few truly deserving of my trust.

I recall, as a child, finding pill bugs beneath rocks. As soon as I would pick them up they would curl up into a solid round ball and not be seen for several minutes. Of course, they weren’t being rude. They were merely protecting themselves from the unknown. I didn’t brandish my shiny, pointy beak. I didn’t squawk or chirp. There really was very little for the poor pill bug to fear as it sat in my soft, pink skin. Nonetheless, it recoiled and disappeared from the world, as far as it was concerned.

In some ways I feel like a pill bug. I’m a guy that people like to pick up and analyze. Those (though not all) that I have been very vulnerable with have smashed me between their thumbs and forefingers. All I know is that curling into a tight little ball has been the safest and healthiest decision I’ve made lately.

In some ways I feel like Satan is just having his way here in America. As more and more atrocities become accepted and “normal” in our society, God seems to be moving further and further away. Or maybe He just never really was as “here” as we give ourselves credit for here in America. I look around and see so many fellow Christians struggling for a single breath of fresh air. Their hands are reaching into the sky as their heads sink below the wavy waterline. We’re all so isolated. We all have issues with trust. We all are in some sort of “self preservation mode”. What’s going on???

I feel like… maybe I just need to simplify things. Maybe I need to somehow downsize my “friend roster” by 80%. Maybe I need to limit my life to work and sleep and an occasional slim-fast milkshake. Maybe I should give out as little information about my life as possible, and only indulge people when they’re on a need-to-know basis. Maybe I should only talk to people I actually like, and can possibly see myself trusting somewhere down the line. Maybe I just need to be more honest with people and be less “friendly” and less of a people pleaser. Maybe I should burn 90% of my bridges so I don’t have the option of crossing them again. Would I regret these things? Probably.

I don’t know if any of you feel like you’re drowning in this vast ocean too. I don’t know if this culture has overwhelmed and overcome you, too. From the outside, most of you look like you’ve really got it together. Your life is in more or less in order, you’re comfortable, you have great aspirations, your dreams are healthy and strong, and you have solid people you can trust. And that’s great. I think.

I guess I’m sad. I guess I’m still vulnerable. I suppose I’m disappointed. I still feel very betrayed by a few people. I’ve also realized this year how horribly I betrayed someone that had invested much in me. I wish we could all just start with clean slates and somehow trust the hand that reaches out towards the water and pulls us on-board the ship for a time. I can’t help but avoid that hand these days, as I assume I’ll just be brought aboard only to be kicked off again, and in an even more wounded and injured state than before.

Will I regret these changes I am allowing in my life? Will I mourn the loss of various friendships? Will I be consumed with loneliness and despair? Something tells me that there are no guarantees, and the only thing I can really count on is the grace of my God keeping me from altogether succumbing and sinking into the dark abyss that has already begun to tug and pull at my feet.